Back in March of 2007, I had, overnight, become really really sick in withdrawal. Despite the fact that I was a nurse and worked in a rehab, I didn’t know I was in withdrawal. I knew I was dying, but I didn’t know why. If you’ve experienced withdrawal, you know exactly what i mean. As a matter of fact, it’s the reason you continue to use and afraid to get help. As soon as you start going into it, you hurry to get out.
I had gone to the doctor who was my neurologist at the time, who told me that he thought I could be in withdrawal from my body needing more drugs. So, what did he do? He told me to decrease my 12 narcotics by half!!!!!!!!!!!! Lots of exclamation points because that was what set me into the worst withdrawal anyone could ever enter into. It was as though I was pushed off a 30,000 foot mountain. I was falling – and falling hard and fast. Moment by moment it kept getting worse and worse. I knew this could only end up with my death once I reached the bottom. How could it not? It just goes to prove that most doctors don’t know what they’re doing with medications. Logic says that if withdrawal is caused by my body requiring more drugs, cutting the drugs in half would send me spiraling down fast.
What was withdrawal like? I’m glad you asked, so I’ll tell you. My hope is that you’ll get help right now so that you never have to feel the extent of withdrawal as i had to endure. My heart was racing and pumping out of my chest, causing my inability to rest, relax and sleep. I could feel the irregularity of the beating with palpitations. I had to keep telling myself to breathe because my body kept stopping my ability to breathe. My head would fall for brief moment because my body ached for sleep. I was hungry but was unable to eat. Food tasted like ‘death’ to me. That’s hard to describe; however, it was as though I was eating the cadavers that had been in a morgue for days – rotting and stinking. My tongue was a strange blue-purple color and so furry it looked like hair was growing out of it. Both visual and audible hallucinations kept happening. It was strange because I was able to differentiate the hallucinations from what was real, but couldn’t stop them. They were demonic and more frightening than anything a human being could ever watch in a video or movie. Darkness was around me – literally. It was as though I was walking through a gray clouded storm all around me. My skin crawled. It was as though mice, bugs and rats were crawling on and under every part of my body, when there were none. I knew it wasn’t real but the fear wouldn’t leave. If it had been real, I could have done something to get ‘them’ away. Due to it being hallucinatory, there was nothing I could do to end it. On top of that, bugs and rodents have always been a phobia to me, so I was in hell. I had become incontinent of urine so I was unable to control my bladder. My bowels had stopped working from the drugs and it was very painful; just blood was coming out of me. I was nauseous and vomiting. I was paranoid. I remember focusing only on finding a point of contact with Jesus. There was an internet show that my husband and I would listen to at 10 pm every evening. I can remember listening to every word they said and singing along with the music of praise to God. I even remember typing the words to Amazing Grace on my desktop in order to hold my focus to God and not to what was going terribly wrong in my mind and body. I knew I was dying but didn’t know what to do. My husband had arranged several ambulance rides to the ER , but no one cared about an ‘addict’ and they kept sending me home to die.
Through all that I went through at that time, I kept reaching out to Jesus and I knew His Hands were reaching out to me to rescue me. The rescue happened after a few weeks of withdrawal. It wasn’t that He couldn’t find me; I just had to go through the worst things imaginable in order to learn my lesson to be set free for the rest of my life. You can read my story here on this blog; however, I want to tell you that, in my weak and delusional state, I was abducted and held against my will for 3 days by 3 sadists who tried to kill me. I escaped from their torture chamber on the third day of captivity in a moment when they had to go somewhere for a few minutes. I was locked up and locked in. I was forced to jump 22 feet from a window that I had to crawl up stairs to get to. It was after I jumped and crawled for a while on a lonely road to find someone who would help me, that I saw my Jesus. He was above me reaching out His hands to me, telling me that I would have to continue to go through more very dark times, but that He would bring me to a place of total healing and that I would end up being fine and healthy, serving Him. That all came to pass, praise be to God. For the past 11 years, I have been serving the Lord in a ministry He gave me helping those in addiction. His message regarding the mission that I carry out for Him, was that it was Him, and Him alone, who is able to set all those in the bondage of addiction, completely FREE for life!
Would you like to enter into a recovery program from home? It’s a program handed to me by God Himself. It is faith based, compassionate and individualized. It is also very affordable to just about anyone. Please click here and see what my journey in addiction brought into being.