For me, it all ended over 10 years ago; however, I can still remember what it was like. The hopeless 12 steppers have it all wrong. The struggle is only when you’re addicted – NOT when it’s all over. There’s so much joy once addiction ends – when you trust God. So, this post will be a quick peek into what a typical day was like for me when I used prescription drugs…. 12 of them! This typifies the last couple of years of my addition before my near death. I’m doing this for YOU!
I’d wake up each morning and couldn’t believe I was still around. Before using the bathroom, getting something to eat, hugging my husband, taking care of our pets, or anything else, I’d look over at my night stand and choose which pills I would start the day off with. I reached for them as though someone was going to steal them from me. Those nasty pills were always within easy reach. I would always wake up in withdrawal because sleeping all night, without getting up to pop pills, would leave me totally drug sick each morning.
It was so bad that there just aren’t any words to describe it. I would wake up with beads of sweat all over me. I was so agitated that I became angry realizing that I escaped death for another day. My breathing was so shallow and labored, that I used to have to tell myself to breathe. Taking a breath was hard labor for me then. I was violently nauseous. Drops of blood came out of every orifice I had. The severe constipation, as is common with opioid use, caused abdominal pains that just hurt so badly that they would just overtake me. My tongue was furry, and was shaded in a blue and purple color, with a horrific taste lingering in my mouth all of the time. My heart would beat so fast and furiously that the sound, and heavy pounding scared me. (Later on I would find out that the years of drug abuse had damaged the normal rhythm of my heart – for which I have since had to take medication for.) I was delusional. Sounds were extremely loud or so low that I couldn’t make out what was being said. My days were lived in an ugly surreal way as though I was in a dream. Many times I didn’t know if I was awake or dreaming. I had visual and audio hallucinations that were nightmarish. My skin would ‘crawl’ – yes, if you’ve been in withdrawal, you know exactly what I mean. It was though thousands of long nailed mice, rats and bugs were everywhere on my body, tormenting me. Food tasted like ‘death’. It’s what I would imagine a dead animal that was sitting around decomposing for days, would taste like if you ate it raw. I didn’t want much water, so I became severely dehydrated. The headaches were so wicked that they obliterated any chance of thinking. There was no rest or sleep for me. I would beg my husband to help me but neither he nor I knew what was happening or how to fix it. I had to blame someone for how I felt, so I guess, in many ways, I blamed him because he didn’t know how to help me. I, a nurse, didn’t know how to help myself! After a while, my sweet husband grew angry and began to distance himself from me; I guess I can’t blame him for that. He called an ambulance several times in many attempts to help me. They’d take me to the hospital and then discharge me after a few hours without a diagnosis of what was going on. The ER doctors didn’t even know. Not one of them did a tox screen to see if there were drugs in my system that were causing this! Can you believe that? It wasn’t until my final visit to the ER – when I was actively dying – that a doctor took the time to figure it out. One doctor said to me, cut in half all of your meds. WHAT??? That put me in wild withdrawal that caused a coma, and then, my near death.
If you are in an addiction, and don’t seek help, you WILL experience some or all of the above symptoms at some point. My hope is that you reach out for help via getting medically supervised detox right now. Waiting is almost always lethal. Massive accidental overdoses, like mine, happen suddenly… sometimes with warnings… other times there are none. My full story is on this blog and I urge you to read it. It goes far deeper than this simple description. You and I know that you’re not happy in your addiction, and that you’re scared to do anything. Addiction paralyzes you. You think it’s just easier to keep using. You may even have a death wish or hope that you ‘wake up dead’. Just remember, there is an eternity waiting for you (Heaven or Hell) and a God who created you and loves you with a love so strong that He died for you so that you could be free.
I will work hard, for the rest of my days, to warn people of the dangers of all addictions – especially prescription drugs addiction that is handed to patients by doctors, as mine was. PLEASE hear me.
There is faith based, personalized and non-12 step recovery program waiting for you once your detox is completed. It’s all online and by phone, from the comfort of your home or office, with 24/7 support via text and email. Please visit Victory Retreat Montana Online to find out more. This ministry was birthed from all of the pain I personally went through with addiction. Soon, we will be additionally opening an on-site recovery retreat as well. I hope to see you soon. You can contact me below.